I Enjoy Things Wrong
It’s a special kind of isolation, I think. To be a weird kid that can’t hang out with the other weird kids, cause you’re weird even for them.
I often wonder how my austim impacts my ability not only to connect with neurotypicals, but with other autistic people. I think a lot of it, like you said, does stem from the mental rigidity that locks me in place. I know how I am supposed to behave, but this is not a situation in which I am to behave that way, but there are no other rules as for how I am to behave, and so I end up locked up in place, a social rigor mortis if you will. For the most part, I have a very hard time connecting with other autistic people, just as much as I do with non-autistic people. It seems like they understand me even less, in a lot of ways.
This is not to say I’m not like them, because I very much am. I have the diagnosis, I exhibit the hallmarks, I very much am autistic. But it’s like you said: I feel like an alien, in the least sexy and most outcast way possible.
I feel the thing that makes me feel most like an alien is how I like things. Take one of my friends, for instance. When they like things, they’re incredibly enthusiastic: they make fanart, they buy merch, the obsess over the thing with a gleeful abandon. They have only positive feelings and only positive reactions. This is great, and I’m happy for them.
When I like things, I want to talk about them. I want to talk about what they did well, and what they didn’t do well, and how they could have done that thing better. I want to talk about the themes, and how they were delivered, I want to talk about what the narrative is trying to achieve and how they went about it. Often, I will end up being somewhat angry about the things that have been done poorly, and I get angry because I care and I want to see it be the best it can be. This is not pleasant for most people. They tend to not enjoy my nitpicking, or how deep I want to dive.
And it makes me feel like I’m liking things in the wrong way, not just for “normal” people but for autistic people as well. The way I like things and how I express it makes people uncomfortable, or irritable, or angry, and I bring down the vibe. People shut down and tell me that it’s not a big deal, or I could just enjoy whatever it is. But the trouble is that I am enjoying myself. I like to take the ideas presented to me and sit there gnawing on them like a dog with a bone. I want to try and see if I can guess how the sausage is made, and where the sausage is going, and how it’s been presented to us.
I worry that this comes across as me saying that I’m better, or “not like the other girls.” Genuinely, that’s not what I’m trying to say or how I feel. And I know I’m not the only one who is like this. Hell, I’m engaged to someone who is just like me. And I have you, obviously. And you can’t know how much I appreciate having you, how much it means to me that I have someone to go to who doesn’t make me feel like I’m enjoying things wrong. But even with you and my fiance, it still feels crushingly isolating, to know that the other people I'm like still aren't like me. And I wonder, then, how we are supposed to find our communities?